A new way to look at life!

I read a blog that is written by a different widow everyday, I really find comfort there when I find that what I am feeling and going through is "normal". Last week there was a post that really got me and made me look at life in a new way. A way I find a lot of Peace and connection to.

Here is a part of that blog that I really liked, it talked about the deceased husband as becoming an abstract part of your life as you move on. 

I have thought a lot lately of how to separate my life now and what I feel with the past . Here it was described exactly as I feel. My love for Corey and missing him is felt in the back ground, He has become a comfortable part of my life. I still hear him giving me advice and feel him watching and protecting me. The pain I feel of his loss is part of our relationship and it will always be there. The fact that I hurt so much and still love him proves that he was an amazing man. As I grow and move on this becomes a separate spot in my brain and heart. Its a comforting companion. And at the same time being able to separate this past love allows me to be happy and move on, to live again, to love again, to create a second chapter of life. I'm ready, I want this. I can love him forever in my heart and find another love and be able to combine the 2 to move forward. I do want another love eventually. There is a couple people I would like to explore my feelings with. I have waited and I am so glad I did, I feel that waiting until I feel completely ready means respecting myself, Corey, my past and my future. I didn't want to go into something new until I felt I could separate my feelings and still respect what was. This blog has shown me that I all ready have I just needed a way to express it. 

I am so happy right now. Life is amazing and I am so grateful for everything I have, the amazing family and friends I have and for the love that I had with Corey. I would not be the peaceful, happy, loving person I am now with out the past, I am going to embrace it and move forward with it and the knowledge it has given me. I am a better person because of it. I value life and love and commitment so much. I know what is important and will have better future relationships because of it. Its time to start the baby steps and I am so excited and ready. I can do this and I have the most awesome guardian angel standing beside me cheering me on. 

Peaceful, Content, Excited.

Time

Its been a while since I wrote anything last. Not because I haven't wanted to post or because I haven't had anything I wanted to share. I just have not had a spare second to sit down and get my feelings from my brain to actual words. 
Thanksgiving was pretty much as perfect as it could possibly be. I had Tripp and we woke up on thanksgiving day and made turkey sugar cookies and then we went to Corey's moms house for the thanksgiving dinner, Meeting Tripp's dad and family there. It is amazing how much more special and fun the holidays are when I have my Tripp with me. 
I always love going to Corey's moms house for holidays. I feel so comfortable and at peace there. I am not the only one that is missing someone. Corey's mom feels the loss of her son. His brothers the loss of there brother, his nephews the loss of their uncle. Its there with all of us and we just deal. We talk about him and its no big deal. We share memories and if the tears come its almost natural and its so much easier to deal with. I did go into what was our room that still has our bed and some of his stuff in it and I shut the door and spend a little while in there just remembering. Seeing his things that are still there. Feeling him. I finally was able to take his blanket home with me. For the longest time I couldn't take it off our bed, I  have been holding it some nights. It still smelled like him and that made him so real again and it was so comforting. 
This time of year and the 2 year mark have given me some hard times the last month or so. I have started dreaming about him again. It is awesome to dream about him and then heartbreaking to wake up and feel that loss so fresh again. When I pick up Tripp it is an hour drive from Taylorsville to his house in Clinton and I drive through all the places we made all of our memories. It can be a hard drive to do sometimes. It is also refreshing to have all the memories, be able to cry and express grief by myself and try and move through it. 

We had a family Christmas Party about a week ago with all my brothers and sisters and their kids. I had Tripp with me because I feel like he is my child. He is cousins with all my nieces and nephews and my parents consider him a grandchild. That was a hard day because I wanted my Corey there with me for that first family party with all of us. Things like this make me realize there is this big person missing who should be next to me, a part of our family. My brother also told me that he has a video of Christmas 3 years ago, Corey's last Christmas. I am going to get the memory card and put it on my laptop. I want to see it so bad, I am working up the courage...  I will get there. 
Life is full and good, I am happy with where I am and where I am headed.