A new way to look at life!

I read a blog that is written by a different widow everyday, I really find comfort there when I find that what I am feeling and going through is "normal". Last week there was a post that really got me and made me look at life in a new way. A way I find a lot of Peace and connection to.

Here is a part of that blog that I really liked, it talked about the deceased husband as becoming an abstract part of your life as you move on. 

I have thought a lot lately of how to separate my life now and what I feel with the past . Here it was described exactly as I feel. My love for Corey and missing him is felt in the back ground, He has become a comfortable part of my life. I still hear him giving me advice and feel him watching and protecting me. The pain I feel of his loss is part of our relationship and it will always be there. The fact that I hurt so much and still love him proves that he was an amazing man. As I grow and move on this becomes a separate spot in my brain and heart. Its a comforting companion. And at the same time being able to separate this past love allows me to be happy and move on, to live again, to love again, to create a second chapter of life. I'm ready, I want this. I can love him forever in my heart and find another love and be able to combine the 2 to move forward. I do want another love eventually. There is a couple people I would like to explore my feelings with. I have waited and I am so glad I did, I feel that waiting until I feel completely ready means respecting myself, Corey, my past and my future. I didn't want to go into something new until I felt I could separate my feelings and still respect what was. This blog has shown me that I all ready have I just needed a way to express it. 

I am so happy right now. Life is amazing and I am so grateful for everything I have, the amazing family and friends I have and for the love that I had with Corey. I would not be the peaceful, happy, loving person I am now with out the past, I am going to embrace it and move forward with it and the knowledge it has given me. I am a better person because of it. I value life and love and commitment so much. I know what is important and will have better future relationships because of it. Its time to start the baby steps and I am so excited and ready. I can do this and I have the most awesome guardian angel standing beside me cheering me on. 

Peaceful, Content, Excited.

Time

Its been a while since I wrote anything last. Not because I haven't wanted to post or because I haven't had anything I wanted to share. I just have not had a spare second to sit down and get my feelings from my brain to actual words. 
Thanksgiving was pretty much as perfect as it could possibly be. I had Tripp and we woke up on thanksgiving day and made turkey sugar cookies and then we went to Corey's moms house for the thanksgiving dinner, Meeting Tripp's dad and family there. It is amazing how much more special and fun the holidays are when I have my Tripp with me. 
I always love going to Corey's moms house for holidays. I feel so comfortable and at peace there. I am not the only one that is missing someone. Corey's mom feels the loss of her son. His brothers the loss of there brother, his nephews the loss of their uncle. Its there with all of us and we just deal. We talk about him and its no big deal. We share memories and if the tears come its almost natural and its so much easier to deal with. I did go into what was our room that still has our bed and some of his stuff in it and I shut the door and spend a little while in there just remembering. Seeing his things that are still there. Feeling him. I finally was able to take his blanket home with me. For the longest time I couldn't take it off our bed, I  have been holding it some nights. It still smelled like him and that made him so real again and it was so comforting. 
This time of year and the 2 year mark have given me some hard times the last month or so. I have started dreaming about him again. It is awesome to dream about him and then heartbreaking to wake up and feel that loss so fresh again. When I pick up Tripp it is an hour drive from Taylorsville to his house in Clinton and I drive through all the places we made all of our memories. It can be a hard drive to do sometimes. It is also refreshing to have all the memories, be able to cry and express grief by myself and try and move through it. 

We had a family Christmas Party about a week ago with all my brothers and sisters and their kids. I had Tripp with me because I feel like he is my child. He is cousins with all my nieces and nephews and my parents consider him a grandchild. That was a hard day because I wanted my Corey there with me for that first family party with all of us. Things like this make me realize there is this big person missing who should be next to me, a part of our family. My brother also told me that he has a video of Christmas 3 years ago, Corey's last Christmas. I am going to get the memory card and put it on my laptop. I want to see it so bad, I am working up the courage...  I will get there. 
Life is full and good, I am happy with where I am and where I am headed. 

Ha Ha... Joke's on me..

Its not really a joke, and its not really funny. 

That's my completely dry sense of humor coming out, no one really knows the extent of this humor, and I end up offending people who think I'm being serious about something. 

So I had my normal 3 month doctors visit today. 

Same doctor Corey saw for 9 years.

Same hospital Corey died at,

Same town with all the after doctor appointment memories, 

Same road I drove, just over 2 years ago going to the hospital...

 and leaving the hospital for the final time. 

I did not expect the crash of grief that came flooding today as I went to this appointment. 

I haven't had to deal with it for the last few appointments. Its been easy. 

This is how I know I am still in the phase of dealing with the 2nd anniversary of his death.

I am the worlds worst patient. I have never had a regular doctor or taken medications regularly. I just never stuck with anything and was never sick enough that it mattered. 

This doctor saw Corey for 9 years, he cares, he listens, he understands. 

That is why I couldn't go to a new doctor after Corey died and I still drive an hour each way to see him. I tried a doctor closer after Corey's death. It was a mess. He didn't listen, couldn't understand, just didn't get it and therefore didn't have any idea what I needed for depression, and the sever anxiety and lack of sleep I couldn't get under control. 

I went back to the Doctor that treated Corey and knew our situation. He got it, He understood. I balled for 2 hours straight the first time I had to go back in his office with out Corey and it was OK. 

Its still okay, they knew Corey and loved him. Everyone loved him. 

It hit me today, I hate this time of year and I have completely blocked it out.

(That's my brains specialty, I can block out ANYTHING).

Corey LOVED this time of year, the holidays. He came alive. 

I was talking to the doctor about tapering off the depression med that I have been on faithfully for the last 2 years. I told him that I wanted to wait until after Christmas. I guess kind of unconsciously thinking about how hard the holiday's are. When he says to me, "Yea, lets wait until spring. This is Corey's time of the year".

And it hits, he knows me. He knew Corey. 

and then... Oh CRAP, here comes this shitty time of year.

I am going to have a harder time with the stupid holidays because Corey loved them so much.

 My doctor knows this. I blocked it out. 

I guess blocking it out only works for so long, I know this.

I am stuck in the middle of this weird place where I miss Corey so much, and I am dealing with this huge wave of grieving. At the same time I have started to notice guys. There have been a couple guys that I think wow, I kinda like him. Then I go to this spot of over thinking everything. I don't feel guilty or anything like that. I know exactly what Corey would say about it, because he had the chance to tell me on numerous occasions. He wants me to move on, have all the fun he is missing and love again. Hes probably up there mad that Im taking this long! I'm the problem.  I don't want another relationship. I don't want to have to deal with making something work with someone else when I worked so hard to get things to the amazing place that Corey and I got too emotionally. I like my freedom. 

Then I think that I'm only 31 and its probably going to happen any way, and maybe I still kinda like this guy...   and just

UGH!!! 

I think back to when I was dating, when I met Corey and I have no idea who I am now. I was so confident, I knew what I wanted and I got it. I saw Corey, I wanted him, he is mine. 

I want to get back to that girl. I know I can, I have found the parts of me that I want from before in other areas. I just think I need to figure out what I want. Can I really reach a point where I say "I want to date?" or am I just supposed to jump in and find out what I want? 

I come back to one of my very least favorite sayings....

Trust the process.

I know if I just hang on it will all work itself out. I have had this proven time and again. 

I just want it all figured out right now! I am the worlds most impatient person. 

So for now I'm just going to sit on my hands, and wait. Deal with day to day stuff and see where life takes me. Trust that things are unfolding exactly as they are supposed to.

758 days...

I  don't really know what I want to say or even how I feel right now.  I want to write,  I need to write.  And that's where I get stuck. 
There has been a lot that has happened in the last few weeks,  it's been crazy and full of stress.  Maybe that's what's wrong,  I need time to decompress,  and think about everything. 
Memories have been hitting me every where I turn. They have been good.  It's brought back a bunch of things that I haven't thought about in a while and I like remembering things.
I have felt Corey with me more lately its been comforting. 
I feel peaceful and happy regarding him and where my life is going.  I just need to keep taking one step at a time and do what I feel is right for me and continue dealing with one day or moment at a time. 

The Fog

I feel like there has been a fog, its covered or blurred memories so that they haven't been able to hit me as hard. Almost like protecting my fragile frame of mind and sanity. 

Since the 2 year mark it feels like this fog is lifting, moving on.

Memories are much clearer. The pain or happiness associated with them more intense. 

A fresh new wave of grief is hitting me, its exhausting. That's the best way to describe it, WAVES. Just like in the ocean the water is always moving, the grief is always there. Then there are the big and little waves that hit. I'm surfing the grief. I expected things to calm down a little after the anniversary date. Its almost like my brain is saying "Lets see how much she can take now".

The memories are a double edged sword, I am so grateful for each and everyone of them. Yet they hurt, I miss my husband, I'm mad he isn't here with me making more memories. I'm so angry at everything some days.   Its like this ball of fire inside me just waiting, then it erupts and its so consuming. I feel sick, I cant think.

 I just want it all to go away.

 I just want my husband back. 

I miss...

(I might add to this occasionally,  it just struck me now and I wanted to share this memory.)  

I miss list

~Corey used to love to try new restaurants and new weird foods.  It seems like every time he would get screwed and his food would be awful.  I would stick to something pretty simple and it would taste good.  Then I'd make fun of him for wanting to try something new because it's always gross,  when my basic favorite was always good.  I'd say something along the lines of "stick with what you know is good and you won't get screwed "...  He'd be mad because he just wasted so much money.  I'd say if we had gone where I wanted you would have had a good dinner!  I miss little things like that,  our own private jokes.  Comfort,  Contentment,  Routine,  Ours.

Getting back to what makes me feel better...

Getting back to what makes me feel better...

I guess the best way to start this is to fill in a little back information. 

Before Corey died I was court ordered into a residential drug rehab program, called 

The House of Hope. 

When Corey died I was doing classes there daily. It was right where I needed to be when I went through the hell of Corey's ICU stay and passing. It gave me the extra support I needed. 

Making a long story shorter, I relapsed after Corey died for about a week, then pulled myself together and got back on track. This week I have 2 years sober.  I say this week because I am not so sure what day it was. If you have been through the loss of a spouse you know the brain loss that goes along with it. 

With the 2 year anniversary of Corey's death I have been pushing everything back to help myself deal with my emotions and stay sane. I might not have thought I paid a lot of attention in Rehab but after Corey died the things that I learned their saved me.
I love to research and find out everything I can about something. I have used blogs and on line support communities to help me realize that I am not alone and the crazy things I think and feel are not crazy after all. Normal for someone going what I was going through. It's like it gives me the Okay to just say "To hell with everyone and what they think about how I am handling this, I'm doing exactly what I need for me". 

So last night I ended up finding all my favorite blogs and communities again and I got stuck just reading and strolling through them for hours. It made everything feel manageable again. It made me feel comforted, sane and not so alone. The loss of a spouse is so unique and consuming, yet different for everyone. Still the only way to even kind of understand it is if you have experienced it yourself. 

I came across a post where people were expressing things they has done in memorial of there spouse and anything special they had done with the ashes, and that kind of stuff. Every post was about getting a tattoo that symbolized the spouse or ways you could turn ashes into jewelery. 

It made me think "Wow, once again I am not crazy, just normal for someone dealing with this shit".

I am going to say right out, I am not a tattoo person. Never have been. Never, Never thought I would want one or get one. Then Corey died and I had been playing with the idea of a tattoo in my head for the last couple of years. Do I REALLY want one? Where would I put it? What would I get? Then with the 2 year anniversary coming up it clicked and all of a sudden I knew with out a doubt I wanted one, and what I wanted. My friends husband has a tattoo shop at his house and I set it up so I could have this tattoo before the 2 year date. I wanted this for a few reasons, It was a memorial to Corey, It felt like a way to celebrate our love instead of mourn his loss, and my mind was made up the second I saw the "Infinite" symbol, I knew I wanted it. Then I set about finding how I wanted it and loved this one with the Infinite symbol in black and the two hearts turned into each other. That was it, I knew I wanted it, and where. 

I ended up having it put on the inside of my arm just above my wrist on my right hand. 

I was afraid I would hate it... I absolutely love it. It was the perfect thing to do to celebrate "us". To combine the life I had with Corey and the life I am building now into some kind of a memorial that was special. 

It has also given me some good laughs since I got it. Everyone that knows the old me, the before the "Grief" me, knows I was not a tattoo person and probably the very last person to end up with a tattoo. Everyone who saw it for the first few days said... "Oh you got one of those fake tattoo's". 

Nope, sorry. It's real and permanent! 

I also have a heart pendant that I put on a neclace that Corey wore for at least 20 years. This heart pendant came from the funeral home and it has some of Corey's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since I put it on when I got it. The same way Corey never took off his neclace, unless he was in the hospital having some kind of test and he had to take it off. Some people might consider it strange to wear someones ashes. It comforts me. In a way he is always with me. 

I've decided I'm going to keep up with reading these blogs, offering support where I can and just keep dealing with this "Grief" shit as it comes. It makes me happy, I learn, I realize I am not alone, and maybe my story will be just what someone else needs to help them deal with their "Grief" shit. 

A blog post by, Amanda on Sept, 25, 2012

I had to share this below because it sums up so much....



I need to be clear about something before I next feel the urge to scream at someone: grief is not something you can just "get over".

Grief is NOT the same as depression, although the two can often be found seeping through the neural pathways, hand-in-hand.

Telling me that you know how I feel because your dog /  Great Uncle / axolotl (yes, I know!)  died is NOT helpful.
Neither is comparing widowhood with divorce: they are NOT the same.

It is OK to still be sad 2.5 years after the death of your spouse.  For that matter, it is OK to be sad 50 years later too.  Grief is like a roller-coaster ride where there are dips and turns in the most unexpected places, but the thing is, you either learn to live alongside it, or you don't.
Literally.
(and the latter option is where the depression kicks in).

Telling me to "get help" because I say that I still grieve the loss of my husband is ludicrous. The Actual Professionals (as opposed to armchair psychiatrists) agree that my mental health is worth bottling because I realize one truth: I will never be truly "done" with grief. 
But I also realize that for every wave that knocks me to the ground, I will get up after it passes because I am made of strong stuff.  And the surf isn't as wild as it used to be so I don't get knocked down as often or for as long.

So - how do widows deal with grief?
We talk.
We cry.
We laugh.
We joke.
We hug.
We compare notes.
We laugh at daaaarrrk humor.
We roll our eyes at each at ill-informed comments.
But above all, we talk.

Because by talking, we realize that we are not alone and we can draw strength from this realization.

Lonliness???

Everyone always says the hardest thing to deal with is the lonliness. So far I don't think I agree.
Corey was sick and on disability for 10 years. We did everything, and I mean everything together. We were always together.
When he died I started to realize how much our lives were combined and I had no clue how to live without him. The last couple years have been about me finding myself and figuring out what I want and need. I'm figuring it out, I like who I am and where I am in life.
The thing I miss is, having someone to talk to that knows me, knows how I think and all my little quirks. Someone that listens and will tell me,  "your freaking nuts, quit thinking everything to death, or will agree and back up what I'm thinking and feeling".

Someone that doesn't have any motivaton or manipulation behind what they are helping me figure out. I don't know when it happened but sometime in the last 5 or so years I started thinking like a girl and I don't like it. Its too damn confusing and emotional. I miss having a sensible mans opinion. Now don't get me wrong... I am smart and can figure things out. I am good at thinking and processing things. What I miss is someone that helps me figure out all the emotional crap. So am I lonley? I don't think so, not really. I'm happy and love my life and what I am discovering. Maybe I just need to find a male to talk to that will tell me when I'm thinking like some lunitic emotional crazy person!


A few hours after I wrote this... What the hell am I thinking? (a sensible man ?.?.. )

Adrenaline

Here I am, I made it through the 2 year anniversary. I knew I would.

I know the cycle so far, I always  build it up in my head, making the few weeks before the actual day 

worse than the anniversary day. 

I have given myself hives, headaches, anxiety, a complete loss of sleep, complete loss of my brain... etc.

This little guy is my miracle. For those of you that don't know, he is my Nephew from Corey's side.

His Dad is working, and going to school, while raising this cute little boy by himself.

David Edward Nielsen III, (Tripp) was in his moms tummy before Corey died and he used to talk to her belly and was excited about seeing this little guy born. He never got the chance, Tripp was born 4 months after Corey died. It was special. I was there when he was born and would watch him from about the time he was a month old. He had been with me on all the anniversary days and hard times. We call it Tripp therapy. Things didn't work out between his parents and his Dad was going to have to put him into day care, Instead I said let me be the day care. I all ready had a crib set up for him and had him a couple days a week. So now I have him every week from Wednesday or Thursday to Saturday or Sunday. 

From the day he was born he was so much more than a Nephew to me, the feelings were different, deeper. He is my world and he comes first. He is in all my thoughts and decisions. I consider him my Boy. I am so grateful he is a part of my life. I don't know where I would be with out him. 

This anniversary date I was scheduled to have Tripp with me and was glad that I was going to. His Dad kept offering to let me take him earlier so that I would have my little guy through the hard times. I kept telling myself that I can do this by myself. I will have Tripp and I will be okay.

How I wished I had picked him up earlier. I pulled into the driveway at his house and he got into my arms, I cant even explain the feeling of peace and happiness that came over me. It took away every little bit of anxiety and stress I had been feeling.  I spent the 21st, at home with him watching movies, cuddling, and playing with him just relaxing and enjoying every minute of it. It was perfect.

Now I am feeling like all the adrenaline and anxiety has left me and I am completely totally exhausted. I went for the week before only sleeping a couple of hours a night if that, yet I wasn't tired. I realized today I was living on adrenaline again, I have been asleep all day and its felt wonderful. 

In fact as I type I am falling asleep again and am going to end this for now, even though I have more to say...

I want sleep!

Coincidence or a sign...

The last photo...

About 3 years ago on a Sunday afternoon Corey and I were relaxing in bed. He had fallen asleep and I had changed the football game as soon as he did. I ended up watching a medical show. I used to love them.

This one was about at a hospital and they were profiling a family, whose father had Idiopathic Dilated Cardiomyopathy,  the exact same thing Corey had. I couldn't change the channel even though I knew I wanted to. This man was in the end stages of his disease and the wife and two children were pulled into a little office at the hospital to meet with all the doctors taking care of this man. They were told basically there was nothing left the hospital could do and even if they found a donor heart at this point he wouldn't survive the surgery anyway. They told the family to say goodbye that it was just a matter of time. The man ended up dying a couple of days later.  I remember everything about this episode, what the family looked like, there names, where they lived. I cried through the whole show and thought to myself... This is going to be me some day. I will be in that little room and they will be telling me the same things. I turned the TV back to the football game and cuddled up to Corey and couldn't get that show out of my head. 

I didn't tell Corey about it immediately, I waited a couple of weeks and I told him about it and we talked once again about what he wanted if he were ever in a situation like that. 

Fast Forward almost exactly 2 years ago today and I was in visiting Corey in the ICU when they said that they wanted to have a meeting to discuss Corey and how he was doing. My heart stopped as I remembered that show, I forced myself to breathe and just kept telling myself over and over... "You are fighting for Corey because he cant fight right now, you know what he wants and expects and you have to be strong."

In our meeting we had a hospital social worker, someone for legal from the hospital, the ICU doctor, his regular cardiologist, and the ICU nurse that just happened to be on duty that day. He had some really awesome nurses. She was not one of them. In fact that morning when I had seen that she would be his nurse, I told his Mom, "Just wait she is going to try and push me to sigh a Do Not Resuscitate order again. It seemed like she just wanted to make me sign it and just give up hope. Then sure enough a couple hours later and she is telling the doctors we need to have that meeting. In this meeting they explained how serious his condition was and that there was nothing more the hospital could do other than what they were currently doing. Telling me how sick he was and trying to get me to sign the DNR order. I thought about what Corey would want, what I wanted and tried to figure out how to accomplish both. I told them that I felt that this specific nurse was pushing me into doing something I wasn't ready to do and that I wasn't signing a DNR at that point, I wanted them to keep doing what they could and if he went into cardiac arrest either I or Corey's Mom would decide when to say let him go, or keep fighting for him. There is no earthly way to describe what its like to make the decision to fight for the one you love or say just let him go, its time. 

It was two days after this meeting when they decided that the IV's in Corey's neck needed to be moved to prevent infection. It went well and the IV's were moved and the ICU doctor and his Cardiologist both came and told us it went good and we could go in and see him as soon as the nurses cleaned the room and him up a little. Corey's mom and I were sitting in the waiting room, getting anxious wanting to go in and see him, when something just felt wrong to me. I got up and went to the ICU doors because I could see his room through the window. The nurses were in there and motioned just a few more minutes. I went back and sat down when a few minutes later I heard this muffled yell. It was the strangest thing. I went right back to the door and sure enough the nurses were rushing the crash cart into his room and the ICU doctor and Cardiologist came running back down the hall to the ICU. I watched for a few minutes waiting to see what happened. Expecting things would calm down in a minute and Corey would be OK. Then the ICU nurse yelled for me to come into the ICU, I yelled for Corey's mom to come in with me. Through the glass wall of his room we could see and hear everything, Nothing was working to start his heart again. They were shocking him and pumping his heart catheter full of epinephrine, and who knows what else. The ICU doctor then yelled at me.... "This is it, do you want me to let him go or do you want me to start CPR to try and get his heart going again.?" Until you  have lived through this there is no way to understand what it feels like. My best friend, lay on that bed, with no heart beat and I was supposed to decided right then if I was going to let him go or try to keep him here fighting. I looked at his mom in question and she said "You know him and what he wants the best, its completely up to you. A million things went through my mind in seconds. What would Corey want, what did I want, what was the right thing, how much longer did I make him continue to hold on when they were having to shock his heart pretty much everyday, I don't really know for sure how much they actually had to do it. They figured out the very first time that I knew what CODE BLUE meant, and they never called it over the intercom again. As the ICU doctor was getting ready to climb on top of him and start CPR I nodded my head "NO", at her, I could speak, couldn't say it out loud. She asked if I was sure. I shook my head yes. They called the time of death at 3:45 pm on the 21 of September, 2010.

They let us go in the room and be with him as long as we wanted. I had to handle things like talking to the University of Utah about donating his eyes. Because he had a sepsis infection nothing else could be donated or I would have donated everything. I knew his wishes. It was still up to me to carry them out. I don't know how long I stayed there with him. Family came and went. I didn't really notice. I stood there next to my best friend. The only one who has ever known the true, real me and I tried to comprehend that he was gone and I was alone. Eventually everyone went home so the family could be together at home and I stayed there with him waiting and talking and loving him as long as I could until the doctors got there to take his eyes. I said my final goodbye and left the hospital alone. I went back to our house alone, family was there and all I could do was just fall into our bed and his pillows and cry. I expected to out live him, I knew he was sick. I just expected to be 50 or so, not 29. I didn't know where to even start. 

The decisions at the hospital were the hardest decisions I have ever made, the hardest thing I have ever lived through. The only reason I lived through it, and am able to live through that decision with out guilt or questioning myself is because of the openness the planning and talks we had leading up to this time. If there was one thing Corey taught me it was to FIGHT, never give up. I knew what he wanted and when he couldn't make decisions and fight for himself, it was my turn to fight for him, for us. 

That is still how I survive this "Grief" that I never understood would be so long, so all consuming, sneaky, and  evolving as time goes on. I fight. I know without a doubt what he wanted me to do with my life after he was gone because we talked about it. I still have him here with me in my heart and I still hear his voice giving me advice, helping me. I am still his and he watches over me. I have no doubt about it.

Corey was critically ill for 10 of the 12 years we were together. He was given 2 weeks to live when he was diagnosed and I had 10 more years with him. I am grateful for every single minute of that time, even though it was at times hard and exhausting to deal with his illness. 

People then and after he passed away would tell me all the time,

 "You were lucky you knew he was sick and were able to talk about things". 

This is not something to tell someone right after the death of someone, Trust me. I cant tell me how many times I have wanted to yell back at someone  "Yea I'm really lucky that my husband was critically ill for 10 years, that we were never able to have children, that we lost everything because of medical expenses, that our whole lives and relationship were completely changed, everything, but I got to talk to him about his death before he died.... and similar things with it".  I still don't think it was a fair trade, we could have talked about all that stuff even if he hadn't been sick. I am however so grateful that we did talk about things. That I know still to this day with absolute certainty that he wanted me to move on, to be happy, to have all the fun I could possibly have, to love again and so much more. It has taken away so much guilt away, and it makes me get out of bed and do things because he would kick my ass for sitting at home, crying and being sad. 

Right now I might be right back in the middle of this 2 year anniversary pit of memories and grief, trying to make myself celebrate him and the time we had together instead of sitting around being sad, and it might not always work, that's OK, I know I have to live it, feel it, and walk through it all so that I can put it behind me and that's exactly what I am going to do. I might not be OK today but give me a few days and I will, and I will be stronger for having done it.

 I will not let grief win, I will fight and I will win. 

The biggest blessing...

I just finished the last post and realized I didn't even mention the biggest blessing and miracle in my life.  I would not be who I am today without him.  He saved me when all I wanted to do is give up. I love this boy more than I could ever have imagined.

Gratefulls...

It's here, just a few more days and 2 years ago Corey was admitted to the ICU.

Almost 2 weeks later and I had to say, Goodbye for now. 

I expected things to get harder the closer it got to the anniversary date, and I was right. I'm back to that insanity of feeling like everything is falling apart. What little bit of my brain I got back the last year has magically disappeared. I have hives every night, (if you don't know I had them for 4 months straight all over right after Corey died) So I am grateful they just come for a little while at night and only on my arms. 

I think about Corey constantly, but instead of being sad he is gone, I have found that mainly I have happy memories that make me smile and remember how lucky I was to be in his life. 

I feel close to him, but not in the same desperate I want him back and life is terrible way, I feel him encouraging me and leading me to the life I am supposed to have now and being happy and content. 

As much as it totally sucks being with out him, I am so grateful for my best friend who is a bigger support than she will ever know is pulling me through this grief crap, and an amazing Mother in law, who is still there for me and loves me despite my past screw ups. 

I am amazed at how much I have learned about myself, the people in my life, and what I want from life dealing with everything for the last 2 years. 

I love knowing I am Stronger than I ever imagined and that I am not letting this destroy me the way I have seen it do to others. 

So for now, I'm just taking it one day, one feeling at a time and loving life. Keeping in mind it could get worse but that I can get through whatever is thrown at me. 

Happy, even when its all falling apart...

I love life!
I wake up each day with a deep inner peace and happy heart. Even when I'm stressed out, or have a millon things falling apart. Everything seems small and trival compared to what I have all ready been through and faced. I have a knowledge of my strength, I know that what ever comes my way I can deal with. I have decided this comes from having been through hell and back. I believe without a doubt that my life is unfolding exactly as it should. That I am being watched over and protected and I am never alone.

I love this feeling, I love knowing I have what it takes to get through whatever life throws at me. I love the confidence I have in myself, I no longer care what everyone thinks, because I believe I am doing exactly what I should be doing. That I know what is right for me and no one can change my beliefs. I am happy with the person I am becoming and that I have learned to listen to that little inner voice that is guiding me.

A new blog

I'm going to try the whole blog thing again.  I love to write and it makes me feel better,  so here it is...

My heart knows...

As I sit here, its 5:00am.

Ive been awake for a couple of hours all ready.

I cant help myself from thinking about what I was doing 2 years ago.

In 14 days it was the day that Corey was rushed to the hospital and was put in the ICU for his sepsis infection.
At this time 2 years ago I was fighting every hospital in Salt Lake and Davis countys, trying to find someone who could so a stomach scope now. Something was definitely wrong with him and we couldnt figure it out. We went to our regular doctor twice, had a stomach scope, and 3 emergency room visits. We never did figure out what was wrong. In the days at the hospital I never once gave up and thought he wasnt going to be coming home with me. One of the main things Corey taught me was to be a fighter and never give up. He couldn't fight, so it was my turn to fight for both of us. In the end no amount of fighting, love, prayers, begging or treatments would make a difference. I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to quit fighting for him, I had to let him go. I know now that he was ready and waiting for me to be the one to say, It's okay, I will be okay. He was needed for better things in heaven.

Now I'm sure a lot of people think, "Its almost been 2 years, move on". Dont get this wrong, I have moved on as much as I am capable for now. Things change everyday and I am embracing life without him. There are some things that remind me of him more than others, like the number 21. No matter what month it is or how extremly busy I am, it is a remember day, I dont pay attention to what date it is for a reason. I hate dates and times. I always just know when it's the 21st. My heart knows, I cant explaine it, I have learned to accept that some things make me automatically jump to how long he has been gone. Then the memories come flooding back.  x            8