Getting back to what makes me feel better...

Getting back to what makes me feel better...

I guess the best way to start this is to fill in a little back information. 

Before Corey died I was court ordered into a residential drug rehab program, called 

The House of Hope. 

When Corey died I was doing classes there daily. It was right where I needed to be when I went through the hell of Corey's ICU stay and passing. It gave me the extra support I needed. 

Making a long story shorter, I relapsed after Corey died for about a week, then pulled myself together and got back on track. This week I have 2 years sober.  I say this week because I am not so sure what day it was. If you have been through the loss of a spouse you know the brain loss that goes along with it. 

With the 2 year anniversary of Corey's death I have been pushing everything back to help myself deal with my emotions and stay sane. I might not have thought I paid a lot of attention in Rehab but after Corey died the things that I learned their saved me.
I love to research and find out everything I can about something. I have used blogs and on line support communities to help me realize that I am not alone and the crazy things I think and feel are not crazy after all. Normal for someone going what I was going through. It's like it gives me the Okay to just say "To hell with everyone and what they think about how I am handling this, I'm doing exactly what I need for me". 

So last night I ended up finding all my favorite blogs and communities again and I got stuck just reading and strolling through them for hours. It made everything feel manageable again. It made me feel comforted, sane and not so alone. The loss of a spouse is so unique and consuming, yet different for everyone. Still the only way to even kind of understand it is if you have experienced it yourself. 

I came across a post where people were expressing things they has done in memorial of there spouse and anything special they had done with the ashes, and that kind of stuff. Every post was about getting a tattoo that symbolized the spouse or ways you could turn ashes into jewelery. 

It made me think "Wow, once again I am not crazy, just normal for someone dealing with this shit".

I am going to say right out, I am not a tattoo person. Never have been. Never, Never thought I would want one or get one. Then Corey died and I had been playing with the idea of a tattoo in my head for the last couple of years. Do I REALLY want one? Where would I put it? What would I get? Then with the 2 year anniversary coming up it clicked and all of a sudden I knew with out a doubt I wanted one, and what I wanted. My friends husband has a tattoo shop at his house and I set it up so I could have this tattoo before the 2 year date. I wanted this for a few reasons, It was a memorial to Corey, It felt like a way to celebrate our love instead of mourn his loss, and my mind was made up the second I saw the "Infinite" symbol, I knew I wanted it. Then I set about finding how I wanted it and loved this one with the Infinite symbol in black and the two hearts turned into each other. That was it, I knew I wanted it, and where. 

I ended up having it put on the inside of my arm just above my wrist on my right hand. 

I was afraid I would hate it... I absolutely love it. It was the perfect thing to do to celebrate "us". To combine the life I had with Corey and the life I am building now into some kind of a memorial that was special. 

It has also given me some good laughs since I got it. Everyone that knows the old me, the before the "Grief" me, knows I was not a tattoo person and probably the very last person to end up with a tattoo. Everyone who saw it for the first few days said... "Oh you got one of those fake tattoo's". 

Nope, sorry. It's real and permanent! 

I also have a heart pendant that I put on a neclace that Corey wore for at least 20 years. This heart pendant came from the funeral home and it has some of Corey's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since I put it on when I got it. The same way Corey never took off his neclace, unless he was in the hospital having some kind of test and he had to take it off. Some people might consider it strange to wear someones ashes. It comforts me. In a way he is always with me. 

I've decided I'm going to keep up with reading these blogs, offering support where I can and just keep dealing with this "Grief" shit as it comes. It makes me happy, I learn, I realize I am not alone, and maybe my story will be just what someone else needs to help them deal with their "Grief" shit.