Ha Ha... Joke's on me..

Its not really a joke, and its not really funny. 

That's my completely dry sense of humor coming out, no one really knows the extent of this humor, and I end up offending people who think I'm being serious about something. 

So I had my normal 3 month doctors visit today. 

Same doctor Corey saw for 9 years.

Same hospital Corey died at,

Same town with all the after doctor appointment memories, 

Same road I drove, just over 2 years ago going to the hospital...

 and leaving the hospital for the final time. 

I did not expect the crash of grief that came flooding today as I went to this appointment. 

I haven't had to deal with it for the last few appointments. Its been easy. 

This is how I know I am still in the phase of dealing with the 2nd anniversary of his death.

I am the worlds worst patient. I have never had a regular doctor or taken medications regularly. I just never stuck with anything and was never sick enough that it mattered. 

This doctor saw Corey for 9 years, he cares, he listens, he understands. 

That is why I couldn't go to a new doctor after Corey died and I still drive an hour each way to see him. I tried a doctor closer after Corey's death. It was a mess. He didn't listen, couldn't understand, just didn't get it and therefore didn't have any idea what I needed for depression, and the sever anxiety and lack of sleep I couldn't get under control. 

I went back to the Doctor that treated Corey and knew our situation. He got it, He understood. I balled for 2 hours straight the first time I had to go back in his office with out Corey and it was OK. 

Its still okay, they knew Corey and loved him. Everyone loved him. 

It hit me today, I hate this time of year and I have completely blocked it out.

(That's my brains specialty, I can block out ANYTHING).

Corey LOVED this time of year, the holidays. He came alive. 

I was talking to the doctor about tapering off the depression med that I have been on faithfully for the last 2 years. I told him that I wanted to wait until after Christmas. I guess kind of unconsciously thinking about how hard the holiday's are. When he says to me, "Yea, lets wait until spring. This is Corey's time of the year".

And it hits, he knows me. He knew Corey. 

and then... Oh CRAP, here comes this shitty time of year.

I am going to have a harder time with the stupid holidays because Corey loved them so much.

 My doctor knows this. I blocked it out. 

I guess blocking it out only works for so long, I know this.

I am stuck in the middle of this weird place where I miss Corey so much, and I am dealing with this huge wave of grieving. At the same time I have started to notice guys. There have been a couple guys that I think wow, I kinda like him. Then I go to this spot of over thinking everything. I don't feel guilty or anything like that. I know exactly what Corey would say about it, because he had the chance to tell me on numerous occasions. He wants me to move on, have all the fun he is missing and love again. Hes probably up there mad that Im taking this long! I'm the problem.  I don't want another relationship. I don't want to have to deal with making something work with someone else when I worked so hard to get things to the amazing place that Corey and I got too emotionally. I like my freedom. 

Then I think that I'm only 31 and its probably going to happen any way, and maybe I still kinda like this guy...   and just

UGH!!! 

I think back to when I was dating, when I met Corey and I have no idea who I am now. I was so confident, I knew what I wanted and I got it. I saw Corey, I wanted him, he is mine. 

I want to get back to that girl. I know I can, I have found the parts of me that I want from before in other areas. I just think I need to figure out what I want. Can I really reach a point where I say "I want to date?" or am I just supposed to jump in and find out what I want? 

I come back to one of my very least favorite sayings....

Trust the process.

I know if I just hang on it will all work itself out. I have had this proven time and again. 

I just want it all figured out right now! I am the worlds most impatient person. 

So for now I'm just going to sit on my hands, and wait. Deal with day to day stuff and see where life takes me. Trust that things are unfolding exactly as they are supposed to.

758 days...

I  don't really know what I want to say or even how I feel right now.  I want to write,  I need to write.  And that's where I get stuck. 
There has been a lot that has happened in the last few weeks,  it's been crazy and full of stress.  Maybe that's what's wrong,  I need time to decompress,  and think about everything. 
Memories have been hitting me every where I turn. They have been good.  It's brought back a bunch of things that I haven't thought about in a while and I like remembering things.
I have felt Corey with me more lately its been comforting. 
I feel peaceful and happy regarding him and where my life is going.  I just need to keep taking one step at a time and do what I feel is right for me and continue dealing with one day or moment at a time. 

The Fog

I feel like there has been a fog, its covered or blurred memories so that they haven't been able to hit me as hard. Almost like protecting my fragile frame of mind and sanity. 

Since the 2 year mark it feels like this fog is lifting, moving on.

Memories are much clearer. The pain or happiness associated with them more intense. 

A fresh new wave of grief is hitting me, its exhausting. That's the best way to describe it, WAVES. Just like in the ocean the water is always moving, the grief is always there. Then there are the big and little waves that hit. I'm surfing the grief. I expected things to calm down a little after the anniversary date. Its almost like my brain is saying "Lets see how much she can take now".

The memories are a double edged sword, I am so grateful for each and everyone of them. Yet they hurt, I miss my husband, I'm mad he isn't here with me making more memories. I'm so angry at everything some days.   Its like this ball of fire inside me just waiting, then it erupts and its so consuming. I feel sick, I cant think.

 I just want it all to go away.

 I just want my husband back. 

I miss...

(I might add to this occasionally,  it just struck me now and I wanted to share this memory.)  

I miss list

~Corey used to love to try new restaurants and new weird foods.  It seems like every time he would get screwed and his food would be awful.  I would stick to something pretty simple and it would taste good.  Then I'd make fun of him for wanting to try something new because it's always gross,  when my basic favorite was always good.  I'd say something along the lines of "stick with what you know is good and you won't get screwed "...  He'd be mad because he just wasted so much money.  I'd say if we had gone where I wanted you would have had a good dinner!  I miss little things like that,  our own private jokes.  Comfort,  Contentment,  Routine,  Ours.

Getting back to what makes me feel better...

Getting back to what makes me feel better...

I guess the best way to start this is to fill in a little back information. 

Before Corey died I was court ordered into a residential drug rehab program, called 

The House of Hope. 

When Corey died I was doing classes there daily. It was right where I needed to be when I went through the hell of Corey's ICU stay and passing. It gave me the extra support I needed. 

Making a long story shorter, I relapsed after Corey died for about a week, then pulled myself together and got back on track. This week I have 2 years sober.  I say this week because I am not so sure what day it was. If you have been through the loss of a spouse you know the brain loss that goes along with it. 

With the 2 year anniversary of Corey's death I have been pushing everything back to help myself deal with my emotions and stay sane. I might not have thought I paid a lot of attention in Rehab but after Corey died the things that I learned their saved me.
I love to research and find out everything I can about something. I have used blogs and on line support communities to help me realize that I am not alone and the crazy things I think and feel are not crazy after all. Normal for someone going what I was going through. It's like it gives me the Okay to just say "To hell with everyone and what they think about how I am handling this, I'm doing exactly what I need for me". 

So last night I ended up finding all my favorite blogs and communities again and I got stuck just reading and strolling through them for hours. It made everything feel manageable again. It made me feel comforted, sane and not so alone. The loss of a spouse is so unique and consuming, yet different for everyone. Still the only way to even kind of understand it is if you have experienced it yourself. 

I came across a post where people were expressing things they has done in memorial of there spouse and anything special they had done with the ashes, and that kind of stuff. Every post was about getting a tattoo that symbolized the spouse or ways you could turn ashes into jewelery. 

It made me think "Wow, once again I am not crazy, just normal for someone dealing with this shit".

I am going to say right out, I am not a tattoo person. Never have been. Never, Never thought I would want one or get one. Then Corey died and I had been playing with the idea of a tattoo in my head for the last couple of years. Do I REALLY want one? Where would I put it? What would I get? Then with the 2 year anniversary coming up it clicked and all of a sudden I knew with out a doubt I wanted one, and what I wanted. My friends husband has a tattoo shop at his house and I set it up so I could have this tattoo before the 2 year date. I wanted this for a few reasons, It was a memorial to Corey, It felt like a way to celebrate our love instead of mourn his loss, and my mind was made up the second I saw the "Infinite" symbol, I knew I wanted it. Then I set about finding how I wanted it and loved this one with the Infinite symbol in black and the two hearts turned into each other. That was it, I knew I wanted it, and where. 

I ended up having it put on the inside of my arm just above my wrist on my right hand. 

I was afraid I would hate it... I absolutely love it. It was the perfect thing to do to celebrate "us". To combine the life I had with Corey and the life I am building now into some kind of a memorial that was special. 

It has also given me some good laughs since I got it. Everyone that knows the old me, the before the "Grief" me, knows I was not a tattoo person and probably the very last person to end up with a tattoo. Everyone who saw it for the first few days said... "Oh you got one of those fake tattoo's". 

Nope, sorry. It's real and permanent! 

I also have a heart pendant that I put on a neclace that Corey wore for at least 20 years. This heart pendant came from the funeral home and it has some of Corey's ashes in it. I haven't taken it off since I put it on when I got it. The same way Corey never took off his neclace, unless he was in the hospital having some kind of test and he had to take it off. Some people might consider it strange to wear someones ashes. It comforts me. In a way he is always with me. 

I've decided I'm going to keep up with reading these blogs, offering support where I can and just keep dealing with this "Grief" shit as it comes. It makes me happy, I learn, I realize I am not alone, and maybe my story will be just what someone else needs to help them deal with their "Grief" shit.