A blog post by, Amanda on Sept, 25, 2012

I had to share this below because it sums up so much....



I need to be clear about something before I next feel the urge to scream at someone: grief is not something you can just "get over".

Grief is NOT the same as depression, although the two can often be found seeping through the neural pathways, hand-in-hand.

Telling me that you know how I feel because your dog /  Great Uncle / axolotl (yes, I know!)  died is NOT helpful.
Neither is comparing widowhood with divorce: they are NOT the same.

It is OK to still be sad 2.5 years after the death of your spouse.  For that matter, it is OK to be sad 50 years later too.  Grief is like a roller-coaster ride where there are dips and turns in the most unexpected places, but the thing is, you either learn to live alongside it, or you don't.
Literally.
(and the latter option is where the depression kicks in).

Telling me to "get help" because I say that I still grieve the loss of my husband is ludicrous. The Actual Professionals (as opposed to armchair psychiatrists) agree that my mental health is worth bottling because I realize one truth: I will never be truly "done" with grief. 
But I also realize that for every wave that knocks me to the ground, I will get up after it passes because I am made of strong stuff.  And the surf isn't as wild as it used to be so I don't get knocked down as often or for as long.

So - how do widows deal with grief?
We talk.
We cry.
We laugh.
We joke.
We hug.
We compare notes.
We laugh at daaaarrrk humor.
We roll our eyes at each at ill-informed comments.
But above all, we talk.

Because by talking, we realize that we are not alone and we can draw strength from this realization.

Lonliness???

Everyone always says the hardest thing to deal with is the lonliness. So far I don't think I agree.
Corey was sick and on disability for 10 years. We did everything, and I mean everything together. We were always together.
When he died I started to realize how much our lives were combined and I had no clue how to live without him. The last couple years have been about me finding myself and figuring out what I want and need. I'm figuring it out, I like who I am and where I am in life.
The thing I miss is, having someone to talk to that knows me, knows how I think and all my little quirks. Someone that listens and will tell me,  "your freaking nuts, quit thinking everything to death, or will agree and back up what I'm thinking and feeling".

Someone that doesn't have any motivaton or manipulation behind what they are helping me figure out. I don't know when it happened but sometime in the last 5 or so years I started thinking like a girl and I don't like it. Its too damn confusing and emotional. I miss having a sensible mans opinion. Now don't get me wrong... I am smart and can figure things out. I am good at thinking and processing things. What I miss is someone that helps me figure out all the emotional crap. So am I lonley? I don't think so, not really. I'm happy and love my life and what I am discovering. Maybe I just need to find a male to talk to that will tell me when I'm thinking like some lunitic emotional crazy person!


A few hours after I wrote this... What the hell am I thinking? (a sensible man ?.?.. )

Adrenaline

Here I am, I made it through the 2 year anniversary. I knew I would.

I know the cycle so far, I always  build it up in my head, making the few weeks before the actual day 

worse than the anniversary day. 

I have given myself hives, headaches, anxiety, a complete loss of sleep, complete loss of my brain... etc.

This little guy is my miracle. For those of you that don't know, he is my Nephew from Corey's side.

His Dad is working, and going to school, while raising this cute little boy by himself.

David Edward Nielsen III, (Tripp) was in his moms tummy before Corey died and he used to talk to her belly and was excited about seeing this little guy born. He never got the chance, Tripp was born 4 months after Corey died. It was special. I was there when he was born and would watch him from about the time he was a month old. He had been with me on all the anniversary days and hard times. We call it Tripp therapy. Things didn't work out between his parents and his Dad was going to have to put him into day care, Instead I said let me be the day care. I all ready had a crib set up for him and had him a couple days a week. So now I have him every week from Wednesday or Thursday to Saturday or Sunday. 

From the day he was born he was so much more than a Nephew to me, the feelings were different, deeper. He is my world and he comes first. He is in all my thoughts and decisions. I consider him my Boy. I am so grateful he is a part of my life. I don't know where I would be with out him. 

This anniversary date I was scheduled to have Tripp with me and was glad that I was going to. His Dad kept offering to let me take him earlier so that I would have my little guy through the hard times. I kept telling myself that I can do this by myself. I will have Tripp and I will be okay.

How I wished I had picked him up earlier. I pulled into the driveway at his house and he got into my arms, I cant even explain the feeling of peace and happiness that came over me. It took away every little bit of anxiety and stress I had been feeling.  I spent the 21st, at home with him watching movies, cuddling, and playing with him just relaxing and enjoying every minute of it. It was perfect.

Now I am feeling like all the adrenaline and anxiety has left me and I am completely totally exhausted. I went for the week before only sleeping a couple of hours a night if that, yet I wasn't tired. I realized today I was living on adrenaline again, I have been asleep all day and its felt wonderful. 

In fact as I type I am falling asleep again and am going to end this for now, even though I have more to say...

I want sleep!

Coincidence or a sign...

The last photo...

About 3 years ago on a Sunday afternoon Corey and I were relaxing in bed. He had fallen asleep and I had changed the football game as soon as he did. I ended up watching a medical show. I used to love them.

This one was about at a hospital and they were profiling a family, whose father had Idiopathic Dilated Cardiomyopathy,  the exact same thing Corey had. I couldn't change the channel even though I knew I wanted to. This man was in the end stages of his disease and the wife and two children were pulled into a little office at the hospital to meet with all the doctors taking care of this man. They were told basically there was nothing left the hospital could do and even if they found a donor heart at this point he wouldn't survive the surgery anyway. They told the family to say goodbye that it was just a matter of time. The man ended up dying a couple of days later.  I remember everything about this episode, what the family looked like, there names, where they lived. I cried through the whole show and thought to myself... This is going to be me some day. I will be in that little room and they will be telling me the same things. I turned the TV back to the football game and cuddled up to Corey and couldn't get that show out of my head. 

I didn't tell Corey about it immediately, I waited a couple of weeks and I told him about it and we talked once again about what he wanted if he were ever in a situation like that. 

Fast Forward almost exactly 2 years ago today and I was in visiting Corey in the ICU when they said that they wanted to have a meeting to discuss Corey and how he was doing. My heart stopped as I remembered that show, I forced myself to breathe and just kept telling myself over and over... "You are fighting for Corey because he cant fight right now, you know what he wants and expects and you have to be strong."

In our meeting we had a hospital social worker, someone for legal from the hospital, the ICU doctor, his regular cardiologist, and the ICU nurse that just happened to be on duty that day. He had some really awesome nurses. She was not one of them. In fact that morning when I had seen that she would be his nurse, I told his Mom, "Just wait she is going to try and push me to sigh a Do Not Resuscitate order again. It seemed like she just wanted to make me sign it and just give up hope. Then sure enough a couple hours later and she is telling the doctors we need to have that meeting. In this meeting they explained how serious his condition was and that there was nothing more the hospital could do other than what they were currently doing. Telling me how sick he was and trying to get me to sign the DNR order. I thought about what Corey would want, what I wanted and tried to figure out how to accomplish both. I told them that I felt that this specific nurse was pushing me into doing something I wasn't ready to do and that I wasn't signing a DNR at that point, I wanted them to keep doing what they could and if he went into cardiac arrest either I or Corey's Mom would decide when to say let him go, or keep fighting for him. There is no earthly way to describe what its like to make the decision to fight for the one you love or say just let him go, its time. 

It was two days after this meeting when they decided that the IV's in Corey's neck needed to be moved to prevent infection. It went well and the IV's were moved and the ICU doctor and his Cardiologist both came and told us it went good and we could go in and see him as soon as the nurses cleaned the room and him up a little. Corey's mom and I were sitting in the waiting room, getting anxious wanting to go in and see him, when something just felt wrong to me. I got up and went to the ICU doors because I could see his room through the window. The nurses were in there and motioned just a few more minutes. I went back and sat down when a few minutes later I heard this muffled yell. It was the strangest thing. I went right back to the door and sure enough the nurses were rushing the crash cart into his room and the ICU doctor and Cardiologist came running back down the hall to the ICU. I watched for a few minutes waiting to see what happened. Expecting things would calm down in a minute and Corey would be OK. Then the ICU nurse yelled for me to come into the ICU, I yelled for Corey's mom to come in with me. Through the glass wall of his room we could see and hear everything, Nothing was working to start his heart again. They were shocking him and pumping his heart catheter full of epinephrine, and who knows what else. The ICU doctor then yelled at me.... "This is it, do you want me to let him go or do you want me to start CPR to try and get his heart going again.?" Until you  have lived through this there is no way to understand what it feels like. My best friend, lay on that bed, with no heart beat and I was supposed to decided right then if I was going to let him go or try to keep him here fighting. I looked at his mom in question and she said "You know him and what he wants the best, its completely up to you. A million things went through my mind in seconds. What would Corey want, what did I want, what was the right thing, how much longer did I make him continue to hold on when they were having to shock his heart pretty much everyday, I don't really know for sure how much they actually had to do it. They figured out the very first time that I knew what CODE BLUE meant, and they never called it over the intercom again. As the ICU doctor was getting ready to climb on top of him and start CPR I nodded my head "NO", at her, I could speak, couldn't say it out loud. She asked if I was sure. I shook my head yes. They called the time of death at 3:45 pm on the 21 of September, 2010.

They let us go in the room and be with him as long as we wanted. I had to handle things like talking to the University of Utah about donating his eyes. Because he had a sepsis infection nothing else could be donated or I would have donated everything. I knew his wishes. It was still up to me to carry them out. I don't know how long I stayed there with him. Family came and went. I didn't really notice. I stood there next to my best friend. The only one who has ever known the true, real me and I tried to comprehend that he was gone and I was alone. Eventually everyone went home so the family could be together at home and I stayed there with him waiting and talking and loving him as long as I could until the doctors got there to take his eyes. I said my final goodbye and left the hospital alone. I went back to our house alone, family was there and all I could do was just fall into our bed and his pillows and cry. I expected to out live him, I knew he was sick. I just expected to be 50 or so, not 29. I didn't know where to even start. 

The decisions at the hospital were the hardest decisions I have ever made, the hardest thing I have ever lived through. The only reason I lived through it, and am able to live through that decision with out guilt or questioning myself is because of the openness the planning and talks we had leading up to this time. If there was one thing Corey taught me it was to FIGHT, never give up. I knew what he wanted and when he couldn't make decisions and fight for himself, it was my turn to fight for him, for us. 

That is still how I survive this "Grief" that I never understood would be so long, so all consuming, sneaky, and  evolving as time goes on. I fight. I know without a doubt what he wanted me to do with my life after he was gone because we talked about it. I still have him here with me in my heart and I still hear his voice giving me advice, helping me. I am still his and he watches over me. I have no doubt about it.

Corey was critically ill for 10 of the 12 years we were together. He was given 2 weeks to live when he was diagnosed and I had 10 more years with him. I am grateful for every single minute of that time, even though it was at times hard and exhausting to deal with his illness. 

People then and after he passed away would tell me all the time,

 "You were lucky you knew he was sick and were able to talk about things". 

This is not something to tell someone right after the death of someone, Trust me. I cant tell me how many times I have wanted to yell back at someone  "Yea I'm really lucky that my husband was critically ill for 10 years, that we were never able to have children, that we lost everything because of medical expenses, that our whole lives and relationship were completely changed, everything, but I got to talk to him about his death before he died.... and similar things with it".  I still don't think it was a fair trade, we could have talked about all that stuff even if he hadn't been sick. I am however so grateful that we did talk about things. That I know still to this day with absolute certainty that he wanted me to move on, to be happy, to have all the fun I could possibly have, to love again and so much more. It has taken away so much guilt away, and it makes me get out of bed and do things because he would kick my ass for sitting at home, crying and being sad. 

Right now I might be right back in the middle of this 2 year anniversary pit of memories and grief, trying to make myself celebrate him and the time we had together instead of sitting around being sad, and it might not always work, that's OK, I know I have to live it, feel it, and walk through it all so that I can put it behind me and that's exactly what I am going to do. I might not be OK today but give me a few days and I will, and I will be stronger for having done it.

 I will not let grief win, I will fight and I will win. 

The biggest blessing...

I just finished the last post and realized I didn't even mention the biggest blessing and miracle in my life.  I would not be who I am today without him.  He saved me when all I wanted to do is give up. I love this boy more than I could ever have imagined.

Gratefulls...

It's here, just a few more days and 2 years ago Corey was admitted to the ICU.

Almost 2 weeks later and I had to say, Goodbye for now. 

I expected things to get harder the closer it got to the anniversary date, and I was right. I'm back to that insanity of feeling like everything is falling apart. What little bit of my brain I got back the last year has magically disappeared. I have hives every night, (if you don't know I had them for 4 months straight all over right after Corey died) So I am grateful they just come for a little while at night and only on my arms. 

I think about Corey constantly, but instead of being sad he is gone, I have found that mainly I have happy memories that make me smile and remember how lucky I was to be in his life. 

I feel close to him, but not in the same desperate I want him back and life is terrible way, I feel him encouraging me and leading me to the life I am supposed to have now and being happy and content. 

As much as it totally sucks being with out him, I am so grateful for my best friend who is a bigger support than she will ever know is pulling me through this grief crap, and an amazing Mother in law, who is still there for me and loves me despite my past screw ups. 

I am amazed at how much I have learned about myself, the people in my life, and what I want from life dealing with everything for the last 2 years. 

I love knowing I am Stronger than I ever imagined and that I am not letting this destroy me the way I have seen it do to others. 

So for now, I'm just taking it one day, one feeling at a time and loving life. Keeping in mind it could get worse but that I can get through whatever is thrown at me.