A new way to look at life!

I read a blog that is written by a different widow everyday, I really find comfort there when I find that what I am feeling and going through is "normal". Last week there was a post that really got me and made me look at life in a new way. A way I find a lot of Peace and connection to.

Here is a part of that blog that I really liked, it talked about the deceased husband as becoming an abstract part of your life as you move on. 

I have thought a lot lately of how to separate my life now and what I feel with the past . Here it was described exactly as I feel. My love for Corey and missing him is felt in the back ground, He has become a comfortable part of my life. I still hear him giving me advice and feel him watching and protecting me. The pain I feel of his loss is part of our relationship and it will always be there. The fact that I hurt so much and still love him proves that he was an amazing man. As I grow and move on this becomes a separate spot in my brain and heart. Its a comforting companion. And at the same time being able to separate this past love allows me to be happy and move on, to live again, to love again, to create a second chapter of life. I'm ready, I want this. I can love him forever in my heart and find another love and be able to combine the 2 to move forward. I do want another love eventually. There is a couple people I would like to explore my feelings with. I have waited and I am so glad I did, I feel that waiting until I feel completely ready means respecting myself, Corey, my past and my future. I didn't want to go into something new until I felt I could separate my feelings and still respect what was. This blog has shown me that I all ready have I just needed a way to express it. 

I am so happy right now. Life is amazing and I am so grateful for everything I have, the amazing family and friends I have and for the love that I had with Corey. I would not be the peaceful, happy, loving person I am now with out the past, I am going to embrace it and move forward with it and the knowledge it has given me. I am a better person because of it. I value life and love and commitment so much. I know what is important and will have better future relationships because of it. Its time to start the baby steps and I am so excited and ready. I can do this and I have the most awesome guardian angel standing beside me cheering me on. 

Peaceful, Content, Excited.

Time

Its been a while since I wrote anything last. Not because I haven't wanted to post or because I haven't had anything I wanted to share. I just have not had a spare second to sit down and get my feelings from my brain to actual words. 
Thanksgiving was pretty much as perfect as it could possibly be. I had Tripp and we woke up on thanksgiving day and made turkey sugar cookies and then we went to Corey's moms house for the thanksgiving dinner, Meeting Tripp's dad and family there. It is amazing how much more special and fun the holidays are when I have my Tripp with me. 
I always love going to Corey's moms house for holidays. I feel so comfortable and at peace there. I am not the only one that is missing someone. Corey's mom feels the loss of her son. His brothers the loss of there brother, his nephews the loss of their uncle. Its there with all of us and we just deal. We talk about him and its no big deal. We share memories and if the tears come its almost natural and its so much easier to deal with. I did go into what was our room that still has our bed and some of his stuff in it and I shut the door and spend a little while in there just remembering. Seeing his things that are still there. Feeling him. I finally was able to take his blanket home with me. For the longest time I couldn't take it off our bed, I  have been holding it some nights. It still smelled like him and that made him so real again and it was so comforting. 
This time of year and the 2 year mark have given me some hard times the last month or so. I have started dreaming about him again. It is awesome to dream about him and then heartbreaking to wake up and feel that loss so fresh again. When I pick up Tripp it is an hour drive from Taylorsville to his house in Clinton and I drive through all the places we made all of our memories. It can be a hard drive to do sometimes. It is also refreshing to have all the memories, be able to cry and express grief by myself and try and move through it. 

We had a family Christmas Party about a week ago with all my brothers and sisters and their kids. I had Tripp with me because I feel like he is my child. He is cousins with all my nieces and nephews and my parents consider him a grandchild. That was a hard day because I wanted my Corey there with me for that first family party with all of us. Things like this make me realize there is this big person missing who should be next to me, a part of our family. My brother also told me that he has a video of Christmas 3 years ago, Corey's last Christmas. I am going to get the memory card and put it on my laptop. I want to see it so bad, I am working up the courage...  I will get there. 
Life is full and good, I am happy with where I am and where I am headed. 

Ha Ha... Joke's on me..

Its not really a joke, and its not really funny. 

That's my completely dry sense of humor coming out, no one really knows the extent of this humor, and I end up offending people who think I'm being serious about something. 

So I had my normal 3 month doctors visit today. 

Same doctor Corey saw for 9 years.

Same hospital Corey died at,

Same town with all the after doctor appointment memories, 

Same road I drove, just over 2 years ago going to the hospital...

 and leaving the hospital for the final time. 

I did not expect the crash of grief that came flooding today as I went to this appointment. 

I haven't had to deal with it for the last few appointments. Its been easy. 

This is how I know I am still in the phase of dealing with the 2nd anniversary of his death.

I am the worlds worst patient. I have never had a regular doctor or taken medications regularly. I just never stuck with anything and was never sick enough that it mattered. 

This doctor saw Corey for 9 years, he cares, he listens, he understands. 

That is why I couldn't go to a new doctor after Corey died and I still drive an hour each way to see him. I tried a doctor closer after Corey's death. It was a mess. He didn't listen, couldn't understand, just didn't get it and therefore didn't have any idea what I needed for depression, and the sever anxiety and lack of sleep I couldn't get under control. 

I went back to the Doctor that treated Corey and knew our situation. He got it, He understood. I balled for 2 hours straight the first time I had to go back in his office with out Corey and it was OK. 

Its still okay, they knew Corey and loved him. Everyone loved him. 

It hit me today, I hate this time of year and I have completely blocked it out.

(That's my brains specialty, I can block out ANYTHING).

Corey LOVED this time of year, the holidays. He came alive. 

I was talking to the doctor about tapering off the depression med that I have been on faithfully for the last 2 years. I told him that I wanted to wait until after Christmas. I guess kind of unconsciously thinking about how hard the holiday's are. When he says to me, "Yea, lets wait until spring. This is Corey's time of the year".

And it hits, he knows me. He knew Corey. 

and then... Oh CRAP, here comes this shitty time of year.

I am going to have a harder time with the stupid holidays because Corey loved them so much.

 My doctor knows this. I blocked it out. 

I guess blocking it out only works for so long, I know this.

I am stuck in the middle of this weird place where I miss Corey so much, and I am dealing with this huge wave of grieving. At the same time I have started to notice guys. There have been a couple guys that I think wow, I kinda like him. Then I go to this spot of over thinking everything. I don't feel guilty or anything like that. I know exactly what Corey would say about it, because he had the chance to tell me on numerous occasions. He wants me to move on, have all the fun he is missing and love again. Hes probably up there mad that Im taking this long! I'm the problem.  I don't want another relationship. I don't want to have to deal with making something work with someone else when I worked so hard to get things to the amazing place that Corey and I got too emotionally. I like my freedom. 

Then I think that I'm only 31 and its probably going to happen any way, and maybe I still kinda like this guy...   and just

UGH!!! 

I think back to when I was dating, when I met Corey and I have no idea who I am now. I was so confident, I knew what I wanted and I got it. I saw Corey, I wanted him, he is mine. 

I want to get back to that girl. I know I can, I have found the parts of me that I want from before in other areas. I just think I need to figure out what I want. Can I really reach a point where I say "I want to date?" or am I just supposed to jump in and find out what I want? 

I come back to one of my very least favorite sayings....

Trust the process.

I know if I just hang on it will all work itself out. I have had this proven time and again. 

I just want it all figured out right now! I am the worlds most impatient person. 

So for now I'm just going to sit on my hands, and wait. Deal with day to day stuff and see where life takes me. Trust that things are unfolding exactly as they are supposed to.