Ha Ha... Joke's on me..

Its not really a joke, and its not really funny. 

That's my completely dry sense of humor coming out, no one really knows the extent of this humor, and I end up offending people who think I'm being serious about something. 

So I had my normal 3 month doctors visit today. 

Same doctor Corey saw for 9 years.

Same hospital Corey died at,

Same town with all the after doctor appointment memories, 

Same road I drove, just over 2 years ago going to the hospital...

 and leaving the hospital for the final time. 

I did not expect the crash of grief that came flooding today as I went to this appointment. 

I haven't had to deal with it for the last few appointments. Its been easy. 

This is how I know I am still in the phase of dealing with the 2nd anniversary of his death.

I am the worlds worst patient. I have never had a regular doctor or taken medications regularly. I just never stuck with anything and was never sick enough that it mattered. 

This doctor saw Corey for 9 years, he cares, he listens, he understands. 

That is why I couldn't go to a new doctor after Corey died and I still drive an hour each way to see him. I tried a doctor closer after Corey's death. It was a mess. He didn't listen, couldn't understand, just didn't get it and therefore didn't have any idea what I needed for depression, and the sever anxiety and lack of sleep I couldn't get under control. 

I went back to the Doctor that treated Corey and knew our situation. He got it, He understood. I balled for 2 hours straight the first time I had to go back in his office with out Corey and it was OK. 

Its still okay, they knew Corey and loved him. Everyone loved him. 

It hit me today, I hate this time of year and I have completely blocked it out.

(That's my brains specialty, I can block out ANYTHING).

Corey LOVED this time of year, the holidays. He came alive. 

I was talking to the doctor about tapering off the depression med that I have been on faithfully for the last 2 years. I told him that I wanted to wait until after Christmas. I guess kind of unconsciously thinking about how hard the holiday's are. When he says to me, "Yea, lets wait until spring. This is Corey's time of the year".

And it hits, he knows me. He knew Corey. 

and then... Oh CRAP, here comes this shitty time of year.

I am going to have a harder time with the stupid holidays because Corey loved them so much.

 My doctor knows this. I blocked it out. 

I guess blocking it out only works for so long, I know this.

I am stuck in the middle of this weird place where I miss Corey so much, and I am dealing with this huge wave of grieving. At the same time I have started to notice guys. There have been a couple guys that I think wow, I kinda like him. Then I go to this spot of over thinking everything. I don't feel guilty or anything like that. I know exactly what Corey would say about it, because he had the chance to tell me on numerous occasions. He wants me to move on, have all the fun he is missing and love again. Hes probably up there mad that Im taking this long! I'm the problem.  I don't want another relationship. I don't want to have to deal with making something work with someone else when I worked so hard to get things to the amazing place that Corey and I got too emotionally. I like my freedom. 

Then I think that I'm only 31 and its probably going to happen any way, and maybe I still kinda like this guy...   and just

UGH!!! 

I think back to when I was dating, when I met Corey and I have no idea who I am now. I was so confident, I knew what I wanted and I got it. I saw Corey, I wanted him, he is mine. 

I want to get back to that girl. I know I can, I have found the parts of me that I want from before in other areas. I just think I need to figure out what I want. Can I really reach a point where I say "I want to date?" or am I just supposed to jump in and find out what I want? 

I come back to one of my very least favorite sayings....

Trust the process.

I know if I just hang on it will all work itself out. I have had this proven time and again. 

I just want it all figured out right now! I am the worlds most impatient person. 

So for now I'm just going to sit on my hands, and wait. Deal with day to day stuff and see where life takes me. Trust that things are unfolding exactly as they are supposed to.